better things will come
“I don’t really even want to write right now. Even if I did, I don’t even know what I would want to write about.”
-jess kuusi
That’s how 90% of all my writings start. I always think I don’t know or want to write about anything and then next thing you know, I begin and there are three whole pages of “nothing”.
The nothing always turns into something.
That’s how 90% of all my writings start. I always think I don’t know or want to write about anything and then next thing you know, I begin and there are three whole pages of “nothing”.
The nothing always turns into something.
I am the Excuse Queen when it comes to partaking in things that I enjoy. Lucky for me I am in good company because I have read from a lot of my other favorite writers that their writing processes share this similar characteristic. I will do mostly anything to avoid writing. All of a sudden that pile of laundry I haven’t touched for three weeks? Needs to be put away immediately or the apartment will explode. The kitchen has to be cleaned for the 48th time today despite me not even making a single meal, I need to redo my wall calendar because I am supposed to be better organized than this and wait! My daily 5k needs to be completed and then I have to go to the gym for an hour. Once I am done with all of that, maybe I will have some time to sit down and transition my thoughts & feelings to paper.
Joke is on me though, because then I get back home and find 78 other tasks to complete. Next thing I know it’s getting late and I start work real early so… time for bed.
Rinse and repeat. Every day. For weeks; months even.
I do try and cut myself some slack, though. I have been through a couple devastating losses within the past year and feel as though I blew my own light out at times in the name of grief. If I was going to be a pile of sad… at least I could be a pile of sad who could still check things off her list of tasks. As a Virgo Sun and Capricorn Moon human, there is no doubt in my mind I will work myself to literal death on my (immaculate, incredibly well planned out and detail oriented) path to perfection in everything I do because of the innate nature of ungodly high standards I set for myself. Tasking is something I have always been real good at when I am avoiding things such as me & all my feelings.
I wasn’t being honest with myself though, nor being fully honest to those around me by acts of omission. Neither of which are cute. Neither of which make it easier to connect with who I really am at my core. The thing that does that the most for me is writing.
Writing & dancing… & I was doing neither.
Like anyone trying to rewire their brain I had to make some changes. These changes of course do not come without resistance from everything you think you already know. I have had to talk myself off a ledge or remind myself it’s unnecessary to strive for perfection when good enough will do. Usually when I release the pressure valve in this way I end up doing better than I would have initially because I give myself more time & room to play and create in what I am doing.
In honor of the opening of Virgo season 2024, I have decided to share a list with you of some of the new things I have been doing to reduce the pile of sad that I had turned into.
· I refreshed my apartment. I moved things around, redid some furniture, stood in every room I spend a significant amount of time in and asked myself “where can I infuse more joy in here? What feels more like me?” I have started my crazy plant lady collection with plans for additional plant babies and made my apartment overall more functional.
· I bought all new makeup. My grandma told me once, “Even if you don’t have any plans for the day, just get dressed and put on some lipstick. It really makes you feel good.” & while I only wear lipstick on the rarest of rare occasions (and will not fully ever understand the chokehold lipstick had on that entire generation) she has a solid point. I get up in the morning and do my makeup. Even though I go most days without even talking to another soul in person, when I catch a reflection of myself I can’t help but throw the kiss-face-peace-sign combo us millennials all know and love. I am not afraid to admit I will do my makeup just to go to the gym for the simple fact that it makes me feel good. I need no other reason than that. Plus on days I can draw my brows in nearly perfect? Exhilarating.
· I replaced my ‘to do’ list with a ‘did do’ list. I take my planner and I write down everything I did that day of value. I find when past me makes a list for future me I will resist even my own self. I don’t like being told what to do even if I am the one telling myself I need to do it. Big tasks go on a monthly list, and I whittle away at them when I feel like doing those certain tasks. Some days I can be ultra productive and knock several things off the list, others I need to save money for. Some days the only things I am able to complete is taking care of myself by participating exclusively in activities I enjoy and not cry. But even the crying is productive sometimes. It’s hard to be mad at a day filled with self care. Writing what I did do that day instead of moving tasks I didn’t is more fulfilling for me and it really takes the pressure off.
· Eating and hydrating; because we’re all just complex houseplants with emotions. I was eating my weight religiously in lemon poppyseed scones and turkey bacon for weeks. I noticed when I am stressed I love eating boneless buffalo wings before bed. Even really low quality ones. The combination of stress and hot wings on my diseased digestive system is a nightmare but in the moment it filled an emotional void. As a former chubby girl – sometimes you just have to give in. But in all seriousness, the quality of my food &intake of my water makes the biggest difference in how I feel, physically and emotionally. It all stems from there.
· Soaking up everything outside has to offer. I have the wildest tan lines I think I have ever had and put more miles on my legs this year than any other year I have been alive. Living only 5 blocks from the lake has been essential for me in getting my outside time. While much of the journey is me taking nature pics and doing that weird, tight closed lip smile that a lot of people do when coming upon strangers in the wild… I always feel better on days I spend time outside & smiling.
· Last but not least, writing. It’s something in the past I have been shamed for, gotten into fights over, and even had strangers on the internet argue with me about things I have written only to try and tell me things they think they know about me when they’ve never even met me. But I don’t care. If I can’t write I can’t be who I am. I can’t cope the way I need to with this life and I can’t feel fulfilled in a world that tries to devoid and devalue me of my words and my experiences.
With that, I leave all 3+ pages of this ‘nothing’ for your consideration. Maybe for your entertainment or perhaps inspiration. I hope you’re surrounded by those who make you feel loved and I wish you some free hours each day to spend some time doing things that make you feel like you. I hope you’re always able to come back home to yourself when you need to, and I hope it feels cozy.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go complete my daily 5k & gym hour.
As Journey once famously said.
Don’t stop believin’.
xo-jess